Letting Go…
My unwanted mission field.
As this process unfolds I want you to know I am still clinging to the promises of GOD. I am currently “still pregnant” going on 9 weeks now. Our baby no longer has a heartbeat but is implanted in my Fallopian tube. I refuse to call my baby a mass or simply chock it up to a piece of tissue. This was our child and I’ll always call this peanut size mass my child; so please ignore my ignorance on this one. But I’m allowed.
I’m tired. I’m scared. I’m anxious.
We have been to the emergency room three different times now. During two of our ER visits I was given methotrexate, which is a chemo therapy drug used to stop cell reproduction.
Each time we rush to the ER the doctors remind me that this miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy is considered life-threatening and in the event of a tubal rupture I could DIE.
It is not easy comprehend these words. My mind goes blank. I can’t think, I can’t speak, I just walk around the house holding Oakley and wait for Spencer to get home and take us to the ER-where we sit for an average of 6 hours at a time. This is not fun... even more ‘not fun’ with a one year old.
Last night the doctor called and told us we needed to go to the ER again for the 4th time. My heart was unsettled. This whole thing has been enough. I’ve had my blood drawn over 15 times in the last 3 weeks. I’ve been given 2 rounds of Chemo, which resulted in me feeling sick, exhausted, & nauseous. I am scared and anxious. Yet all the while we are clinging to the promise of GOD and holding each other tight.
Let me set the record straight, I am not afraid to die. I know what is waiting on the other side. I want to meet my Savior, just not right now. I’m not ready to leave my family. I love them so much.
This week I felt like the Lord spoke directly to my heart & reminded me just HOW BIG HE IS. How much HE loves me, and to stay close to HIM. I have a healthy fear of GOD and He revealed that HE is so much bigger than I ever thought.
I know my words don’t sound like much and if someone said this to me I would simply agree and say “yes He is a Big God.” But the truth is I am completely in awe of just how BIG HE truly is in my life right now. This is like mission field BIG. You know that overwhelming love, joy, peace and fear of GOD you feel while on a mission trip?!? That is me right now. In the middle of this unwanted mission field I feel the PEACE of a BIG GOD!
Trust me the pain my body is feeling is horrible and my mind is unsettled and worried about my results. I want healing and closure but more than anything I wanted JESUS... and I’ve got it!
Dear Jesus,
I want to say thank you. Thank you for this baby you have given us. We appreciate the joy and excitement we felt when we found out. Thank you for the opportunity for us to share this news with our friends and family. Thank you for the ability to actually get pregnant without assistance... other than the hanky-panky of course. Thank you for allowing this ectopic pregnancy to remind us how truly fortunate we are. Thank you for allowing us to get pregnant naturally both times. Thank you for allowing us a successful labor and delivery with our daughter Oakley. Thank you for the amazing people you have placed in our life for such a time as this. Thank you for allowing me to have such amazing girlfriends, who check on me daily. Thank you for our prayer warriors who have interceded on our behalf. Thank you Lord for allowing us to experience this trial as it has drawn us closer to you and allowed us to cling to you the giver of life. Thank you for never leaving us. Thank you for this baby and all the lessons we have learned during this pregnancy. Thank you for loving us enough to allow us to walk through this trial with you. Thank you for speaking directly to each of us during this time.
Thank you God for the time I had with this baby and all I ask is that you would please receive this child back into your arms. Tonight I am letting go. I have set the baby free in my mind and heart... now I pray my body will do the same! Thank you, Lord. Please hold our baby tight until we meet again. Thank you for the gift of life and the ability to cherish it all the more.
We are letting go,
The Cody’s
